i want out

i dont care if your "not my guy" but i dont get how you can do the same as me, except with you? your doing nothing wrong. its exactly the same situation. "i not your guy and shes my mate. they had no right" "its like you hating any guy that iv ever got with, you wanna go after him, its exactly the same" - no reply. because you know it is. i was driving, i read that text and had to pull over. i couldn't breath my chest felt heavy  i just couldn't believe it. i wanted to cry, i wanted to scream. hearing after all this time your taking her side? i couldn't believe it. what is your problem, cant you see whats happening? shes taking you away, they all are its like your a completely different person now and dont want anything to do with me or your old life anymore. you seem to flick your feelings on and off like a switch, whenever is convenient for you. your not the person i thought you were and the way its going? i dont wanna find out who you really are now. im here for you, i always will be but im not gunna wait around forever while you decide what you want, who you wanna be. i know who you really are and this isn't it. i hope you realise that.

not long left

in a few hours you will be here, i cannot wait. one of my best friends since i first started school. i remember the day when our mums introduced us, your first day at tahatai coast, i was your first friend. since then you've moved around.. alot. countries, houses, loosing and gaining friends along the way. we both have but you? you are a constant in my life. we have spent years apart before but when we see eachother it is always as if no time has passsed. unlike some others i can fully be myself around you, we joke, we laugh, we make videos of our 'band', the 'ghosts' in your room, we look back at them each time we are together and cry from laughter. you are always here for me, flew over from aussie for the funeral just to be here with us. iv missed you, iv missed that innocent happiness and being around you. in a few hours you will be here, i cannot wait.

thankyou

this text started my day and honestly helped me so much. simple words but mean so much. thankyou. - "Merry christmas kole, thinking of you today on what i know will be a hard day for you. your an angel, truly an inspiration in how strong you have been through this. i love you baby, keep smiling. x"

please come back

i misssed you today. i miss you every day but today especially. we had dinner at the same place as last year tonight, i was okay all day up untill then. sitting at the table i couldn't help but stare at the space where i last saw you here. lying on the two seater couch, both legs hanging off the armrest with yet another beer in your hand. singing christmas carols that you hated while swinging your feet. you were happy. we would always sit together, have our "looks", our "jokes", our conversations that no-one else understood. we got eachother. we would joke and laugh at everything, making the dullest time halarious. we were both happy. but today? you weren't there. sitting at the table today i couldn't help but stare at the space where i last saw you here. tears in my eyes i had to move outside, i couldn't take it. its too soon. this shouldn't be happening, not to us. i miss you dad i miss our laughs, our jokes, the way we had the same sense of humour that no-one else understood. i went through today holding back tears and at that moment i couldn't stop them. i missed you today. i miss you every day but today especially.

you saved me

the perfect hugs, coming to the hospital when i needed you the most, always being there when i need you. the amazing, breath taking kisses. the photos, the cute poems you wrote me, the suprise picnic at the park. coming to wake me up and suprise me with a flower on our anniversary. the post-it notes you covered my room with, all with reasons why you love me, what you love about our relationship. the cd you made me. the way you pushed me to go through with that bungy jump we did together. our sorbet and sword fights. the way we have 'our foods'. the way you piggy backed me down the street and still try to pick me up when you know i hate it. the way we have fun together and be dicks. the sweet texts i would always get from you. the cuddles, the laughing, playing cricket out the back of my house with my brother, me pretending im amazing and you pretending to believe it. sitting on the roof acting all cute. the way we would text eachother, sitting right next to eachother. the way we just understand eachother, the way we cant stay away and always end up close again, no matter what.  you saved me, from who i used to be, when i needed you most you were there. i love you, i trust you, please do not let me return to the person that i was. you saved me, you changed me.

never letting you go

"i want us to be friends when we're old nanas, we will go to mccafe every wednesday before bowling club, get caramel lattes and carrot cake- race eachother on our scooters to our old folks home! we have eachother kole, im always sticking by you. i want the best for you and we can get through this together, me and you hun. i love you so so much"   - the one constant in my life. i love you forever, i will always be here for you. your my angel, i will not let that change next year when i move.

everything will be okay

i was finally able to hang photos of you on my wall again today. all i can do now, your only a memory. i miss you, we need you. i love you, dad.