Wednesday, December 29, 2010

i want out

i dont care if your "not my guy" but i dont get how you can do the same as me, except with you? your doing nothing wrong. its exactly the same situation. "i not your guy and shes my mate. they had no right" "its like you hating any guy that iv ever got with, you wanna go after him, its exactly the same" - no reply. because you know it is. i was driving, i read that text and had to pull over. i couldn't breath my chest felt heavy  i just couldn't believe it. i wanted to cry, i wanted to scream. hearing after all this time your taking her side? i couldn't believe it. what is your problem, cant you see whats happening? shes taking you away, they all are its like your a completely different person now and dont want anything to do with me or your old life anymore. you seem to flick your feelings on and off like a switch, whenever is convenient for you. your not the person i thought you were and the way its going? i dont wanna find out who you really are now. im here for you, i always will be but im not gunna wait around forever while you decide what you want, who you wanna be. i know who you really are and this isn't it. i hope you realise that.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

not long left

in a few hours you will be here, i cannot wait. one of my best friends since i first started school. i remember the day when our mums introduced us, your first day at tahatai coast, i was your first friend. since then you've moved around.. alot. countries, houses, loosing and gaining friends along the way. we both have but you? you are a constant in my life. we have spent years apart before but when we see eachother it is always as if no time has passsed. unlike some others i can fully be myself around you, we joke, we laugh, we make videos of our 'band', the 'ghosts' in your room, we look back at them each time we are together and cry from laughter. you are always here for me, flew over from aussie for the funeral just to be here with us. iv missed you, iv missed that innocent happiness and being around you. in a few hours you will be here, i cannot wait.

Saturday, December 25, 2010


this text started my day and honestly helped me so much. simple words but mean so much. thankyou. - "Merry christmas kole, thinking of you today on what i know will be a hard day for you. your an angel, truly an inspiration in how strong you have been through this. i love you baby, keep smiling. x"

please come back

i misssed you today. i miss you every day but today especially. we had dinner at the same place as last year tonight, i was okay all day up untill then. sitting at the table i couldn't help but stare at the space where i last saw you here. lying on the two seater couch, both legs hanging off the armrest with yet another beer in your hand. singing christmas carols that you hated while swinging your feet. you were happy. we would always sit together, have our "looks", our "jokes", our conversations that no-one else understood. we got eachother. we would joke and laugh at everything, making the dullest time halarious. we were both happy. but today? you weren't there. sitting at the table today i couldn't help but stare at the space where i last saw you here. tears in my eyes i had to move outside, i couldn't take it. its too soon. this shouldn't be happening, not to us. i miss you dad i miss our laughs, our jokes, the way we had the same sense of humour that no-one else understood. i went through today holding back tears and at that moment i couldn't stop them. i missed you today. i miss you every day but today especially.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

you saved me

the perfect hugs, coming to the hospital when i needed you the most, always being there when i need you. the amazing, breath taking kisses. the photos, the cute poems you wrote me, the suprise picnic at the park. coming to wake me up and suprise me with a flower on our anniversary. the post-it notes you covered my room with, all with reasons why you love me, what you love about our relationship. the cd you made me. the way you pushed me to go through with that bungy jump we did together. our sorbet and sword fights. the way we have 'our foods'. the way you piggy backed me down the street and still try to pick me up when you know i hate it. the way we have fun together and be dicks. the sweet texts i would always get from you. the cuddles, the laughing, playing cricket out the back of my house with my brother, me pretending im amazing and you pretending to believe it. sitting on the roof acting all cute. the way we would text eachother, sitting right next to eachother. the way we just understand eachother, the way we cant stay away and always end up close again, no matter what.  you saved me, from who i used to be, when i needed you most you were there. i love you, i trust you, please do not let me return to the person that i was. you saved me, you changed me.

never letting you go

"i want us to be friends when we're old nanas, we will go to mccafe every wednesday before bowling club, get caramel lattes and carrot cake- race eachother on our scooters to our old folks home! we have eachother kole, im always sticking by you. i want the best for you and we can get through this together, me and you hun. i love you so so much"   - the one constant in my life. i love you forever, i will always be here for you. your my angel, i will not let that change next year when i move.

everything will be okay

i was finally able to hang photos of you on my wall again today. all i can do now, your only a memory. i miss you, we need you. i love you, dad.

i dont get it

why did you have to die, leave us all alone? i hate this! we all knew your life was limited, that our time with you meant everything because we didnt know how much longer we had with you. you went into a planned surgery in hamilton, took my brother and mum over with you while i had to stay at school for my exams and stayed with your parents. it was risky but you were meant to come through it. i remember the call from the hospital, the looks on everyones faces, the sudden silence and shock we all shared. the call was from my mum, advised to ring us to tell us you were out of the surgery but things were not looking good and we should come over. the short hour it was meant to take took twice as long in the fog and the rain. once we got there mum rushed to meet us, trying to be as strong as she could. "kole, your brother needs you" was the first and only words i heard. we all walked into the waiting room, across the coridor from where you were lying on a bed in icu. we sat there as everyone shared what they knew, doctors came in and out, people kept asking me if i wanted to go in to see you but time after time i refused. i had been told you were still in a coma, swollen up from the surgery and drugs that poured into you. you were covered in tubes and looked as if you were already gone. i couldn't take it, i already cannot stand hospitals from our last experience there, this was making it so much worse. i couldn't take it.  as more doctors came in they told us you were still lying there, no change, just stable. i finally agreed to go in and see you. i stood just inside the door, shocked at what i saw, not knowing what to say or think or how to act. i couldn't get myself to cry, my legs to move any closer, i was frozen. i remember feeling mums arm around my shoulder as she helped me forward and to sit on the small bench next to your bed. i couldn't cry, i couldn't look at you, i was confused and didn't understand. the doctors in the room kept talking to us, explaining what all the tubes were for, what was happening to you and why but i couldn't seem to understand, everything was a blurr, i didn't know what to think i didn't know what to do. i walked out of the room without a word. we were shown to a room down the hallway which had a few beds and were told to try and get some rest. hours past in that tiny room, trying to get rest but the thoughts in everyones minds wouldn't stop. "this can't be happening, it can't be real. this is just a dream, this can't be happening" was all that was going over in my mind while my face was streaming with tears. 2 in the morning your sisters got there, there was nothing they could do but join us sitting in silence. it was 4am when yet another doctor came in and talked to us, telling us we better go into see him as this could be the last time. i continued to try and be brave, not believing this could happen to us, believing you would live through it. standing beside your bedside yet again, i couldn't help but burst into tears, all of the family were in that room, standing around just watching in silence with tears down our faces. we stood around the bed and watched hours pass by while few people shared stories and comforting words trying to convince and prepare ourselves for a life without you. 7 in the morning my boyfriend got there and came into the room with us just as we got the news you were going downhill even more. you were on life support, even if you lived through this you would be miserable, you loved your sport, we knew you would not be happy if you lived through this, you would have problems either mentally, physically or both. a half life was not what you wanted. everything or nothing atal. we continued to stand around your bedside as the switches were turned off, one by one. noone could describe the feeling in that room at that second. disbelief, brokeness, emptiness, pain, loss. standing beside your bed i was in tears, my eyes were a constant waterfall. i was curled over in pain, i couldn't believe it, i couldn't believe this could be happening to us. i couldn't move, i couldn't breathe all i could feel was pain. people say it gets better with time? time has passed and we have all had our birthdays, celebrations you needed to be apart of and now its christmas. time does not heal. it never will. i dont understand.