Sunday, December 19, 2010

i dont get it

why did you have to die, leave us all alone? i hate this! we all knew your life was limited, that our time with you meant everything because we didnt know how much longer we had with you. you went into a planned surgery in hamilton, took my brother and mum over with you while i had to stay at school for my exams and stayed with your parents. it was risky but you were meant to come through it. i remember the call from the hospital, the looks on everyones faces, the sudden silence and shock we all shared. the call was from my mum, advised to ring us to tell us you were out of the surgery but things were not looking good and we should come over. the short hour it was meant to take took twice as long in the fog and the rain. once we got there mum rushed to meet us, trying to be as strong as she could. "kole, your brother needs you" was the first and only words i heard. we all walked into the waiting room, across the coridor from where you were lying on a bed in icu. we sat there as everyone shared what they knew, doctors came in and out, people kept asking me if i wanted to go in to see you but time after time i refused. i had been told you were still in a coma, swollen up from the surgery and drugs that poured into you. you were covered in tubes and looked as if you were already gone. i couldn't take it, i already cannot stand hospitals from our last experience there, this was making it so much worse. i couldn't take it.  as more doctors came in they told us you were still lying there, no change, just stable. i finally agreed to go in and see you. i stood just inside the door, shocked at what i saw, not knowing what to say or think or how to act. i couldn't get myself to cry, my legs to move any closer, i was frozen. i remember feeling mums arm around my shoulder as she helped me forward and to sit on the small bench next to your bed. i couldn't cry, i couldn't look at you, i was confused and didn't understand. the doctors in the room kept talking to us, explaining what all the tubes were for, what was happening to you and why but i couldn't seem to understand, everything was a blurr, i didn't know what to think i didn't know what to do. i walked out of the room without a word. we were shown to a room down the hallway which had a few beds and were told to try and get some rest. hours past in that tiny room, trying to get rest but the thoughts in everyones minds wouldn't stop. "this can't be happening, it can't be real. this is just a dream, this can't be happening" was all that was going over in my mind while my face was streaming with tears. 2 in the morning your sisters got there, there was nothing they could do but join us sitting in silence. it was 4am when yet another doctor came in and talked to us, telling us we better go into see him as this could be the last time. i continued to try and be brave, not believing this could happen to us, believing you would live through it. standing beside your bedside yet again, i couldn't help but burst into tears, all of the family were in that room, standing around just watching in silence with tears down our faces. we stood around the bed and watched hours pass by while few people shared stories and comforting words trying to convince and prepare ourselves for a life without you. 7 in the morning my boyfriend got there and came into the room with us just as we got the news you were going downhill even more. you were on life support, even if you lived through this you would be miserable, you loved your sport, we knew you would not be happy if you lived through this, you would have problems either mentally, physically or both. a half life was not what you wanted. everything or nothing atal. we continued to stand around your bedside as the switches were turned off, one by one. noone could describe the feeling in that room at that second. disbelief, brokeness, emptiness, pain, loss. standing beside your bed i was in tears, my eyes were a constant waterfall. i was curled over in pain, i couldn't believe it, i couldn't believe this could be happening to us. i couldn't move, i couldn't breathe all i could feel was pain. people say it gets better with time? time has passed and we have all had our birthdays, celebrations you needed to be apart of and now its christmas. time does not heal. it never will. i dont understand.

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